Even the word is old. Or how about that even more ancient word ….. deportment? Those two words were part of my youth, but are seldom heard these days. I agree none of us want a return to the Victorian age where manners trumped all. And I certainly agree that some of the hidebound rules of my youth (no white shoes after Labor Day, no wearing of pants for females at school, hats and gloves for formal occasions) are not missed by me, or even noticed by succeeding generations.
However, here is the funny thing about manners. They are kind of like a chocolate cake that you put in the oven to bake. The point of the baking is not the pan, but the confection that will emerge from that pan when done. Yet, if you poke a hole in the pan as it bakes, it suddenly assumes great importance, and without intervention, there will be nothing but a smoldering mass of chocolate goo at the bottom of your oven.
Years ago flying was an occasion and one dressed up for the event. Going out to spend the summer with my grandparents as a young child, I would enter the plane garbed in one of my best dresses, patent leather Mary Janes on my feet with frilly white socks carefully turned down at the ankle. Now I sit next to someone who has not even bothered to get out of his pajamas. Since he is unshaven, I am left to wonder whether he even bathed before inflicting himself on us, his seatmates. Is getting appropriately dressed perhaps the etiquette ‘pan?’ It might mean that young man will be less likely to take both arm rests, play his music so loudly that I can hear every rapping syllable through his headphones, or talk so loudly on his cell phone at either end of the journey that all of us on the flight would know where to meet Jimmy for a drink that night if we wished. Perhaps there might have been a chance he would have lived up to his clothes, if only he had made some effort between waking up and boarding the plane.
Perhaps the best case for manners was made by the author of the definitive book on etiquette from my day, Emily Post. She said “Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.”